Birth Control: Leaving the decision with God
When Cindy and I decided to allow God to decide how many children we would have, we hadn't really thought the issue through. We had been married less than a week when we first discussed birth control. We had gone to pre-marital counseling with Cindy's pastor and he said that we still needed to resolve exactly how we intended to support ourselves and what we were going to do about birth control. The money issue was resolved to our satisfaction - we had a budget of less than $600/month, which was supplied by the full-time job I had as a grill cook at Hardee's. We had no car, no phone, and no health insurance, but we were so in love that none of that mattered. We both still had one year of college left to go. Cindy would get her nursing degree first and go to work so I could get my bachelor's degree in theology. The following year we were to head off to the seminary and I would either become a church pastor or a Wycliffe Bible Translator. After the schooling was completed, we would have four or five kids and live happily ever after.

So you see, the money problem was resolved assuming no major illnesses or a baby. Birth control was assumed except for the method. When we first discussed birth control, I assumed Cindy would be taking the pill, which to my surprise she was very much opposed to. She talked about the negative side effects and suggested we look into another method. As we started to think about the problem, we both had pangs of conscience at the thought of any form of birth control. So we quickly came to the decision that we would leave the baby issue up to God. Cindy taped a little red sign on the wall that said, "God gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him." I would like to say that our decision was based on an exhaustive search of the Scriptures and of all the issues associated with birth control. I would like to say that we had taken a great deal of time applying biblical principles to those issues, but we didn't. We just decided that children were always a blessing in the Bible and that our consciences didn't appreciate the thought of limiting the size of our family. We concluded that God would provide for us somehow if we were trying to do the right thing, so the decision was made.

The first baby came two days after our first anniversary and just a couple of weeks after Cindy's graduation. The second baby came 14½ months later. Within a month we will be celebrating our 17th anniversary. Our children and their ages are: Michael 15, John 14, Shannon 13, Meghan 11, William 10, Kathleen 9, Keenan 7, Heather 5, Bridget 3, and Kelly 1. The birth control debate As you can see, we have had a few years to mull over the issue of birth control and haven't changed our minds.

We are convinced that God commanded us to be fruitful and to multiply. (Gen 1, Gen 8-9, Gen 35, and more) Having children is, therefore, one of the primary purposes of marriage. Malachi writes, "Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring." (Mal. 2:15) Everywhere in the Scriptures children are considered a blessing and large families are considered a special blessing. Abraham was considered blessed because God promised him, "I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore." (Gen. 22:17)

The Israelites were told that faithfulness to the covenant would be rewarded by an increase in the fruit of the womb, while disobedience would mean the fruit of the womb would be cursed. (Lev. 26:9, Deut. 27-8) Men like Heman and Obed-Edom were considered blessed because of their many children. The Scriptures reveal that Obed-Edom had eight sons and this comment is made, "For God had blessed Obed-Edom." (1 Chron. 26:5) "As for Heman, from his sons: Bukkiah, Mattaniah, Uzziel, Shubael and Jerimoth; Hananiah, Hanani, Eliathah, Gidalti and Romanti-Ezer; Joshbekashah, Mallothi, Hothir and Mahazioth. All these were sons of Heman the king's seer. They were given him through the promises of God to exalt him. God gave Heman fourteen sons and three daughters." (1 Chron. 25:4-5) Psalm 127 says, "Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." The message in Psalm 128 is similar: "Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in his ways. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. Thus is the man blessed who fears the LORD."

I just don't find the reasons people give us for limiting the size of their families very convincing. Allow me to list the reasons most people give me to justify their use of birth control:
1.We can't afford it - From a biblical perspective, there is no reason to believe God wouldn't provide for the children He creates. Jesus said, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat? Or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you as well." (Matt. 6:25-33) Likewise, David said this: "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread." (Psalm 37:25) God will, therefore, see that we have everything we need, but that doesn't mean God will give us everything we want. The problem many of us have is that we consider the following as needs: air conditioning, cable television, two cars, new clothes, vacations with hotel stays, convenience foods, restaurant food, a large home, and a new car. These are not needs, but many of us give them a higher priority than having children - using them as an excuse for not having children. When our life is over, God will judge our work by his own standard. Paul writes, "Each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames." (1 Cor. 3:10b-15) What does this have to do with having children? My house, my car, my air conditioner, my computer, and my new clothes have this in common: none of them will survive judgment day. On the other hand, we can be certain that the souls of my children are eternal. Now then, if I limit the number of children I have so I can watch television, play computer games, eat convenience foods, or avoid sweating in the summertime, I have invested my money foolishly. In the eternal sense, I have given away gold and exchanged it for straw. Martin Luther put it this way: "But the greatest good in married life, that which makes all suffering and labor worth while, is that God grants offspring and commands that they be brought up to worship and serve him. In all the world this is the noblest and most precious work, because in God there can be nothing dearer than the salvation of souls. Now since we are all duty bound to suffer death, if need be, that we might bring a single soul to God, you an see how rich the estate of marriage is in good works. God has entrusted to its bosom souls begotten of its own body, on whom it can lavish all manner of Christian works. Most certainly father and mother are apostles, bishops, and priests to their children, for it is they who make them acquainted with the gospel. In short, there is no greater or nobler authority on earth than that of parents over their children." (The Estate of Marriage, 1522) If only we all had such an exalted view of raising children, but as it is we often despise this noble right by selling it for a new car, a vacation at the beach, or a new wardrobe. We are like Esau who sold his blessing for a bowl of stew.

2.We can't handle the kids we have now - Most of these people can be divided into two categories. First are those who are doing a poor job raising their children. In this case having more children really isn't the problem - it just exacerbates a deeper problem. The solution in this case is to search God's word and pray for the wisdom to discern the biblical principles for raising children and for a spirit of obedience that will see that those principles are implemented. Since all of us are sinful, we all struggle with poor parenting in varying degrees. However, the solution is not to accommodate our sin but to overcome it. We should urgently seek to manage our families well whether God gives us more children or not. Second are those who really are struggling because their children are especially difficult for some reason. Our first child was the most difficult and time-consuming child we had until our tenth. He didn't seem to need more than half a night's sleep and he was very strong willed. With our first, Cindy wasn't working at all and I can remember coming home one night to find Cindy with large black rings under her eyes and tears rolling down her cheeks. Our oldest had simply left her worn out, sleep deprived, and discouraged. Eventually, however, Cindy made it through and God gave us the grace to survive every additional child God gave us. We survived the lost sleep (I must confess that Cindy lost more than I did), the diapers, the arguments, the disobedience, the expense, the extra work, and the loss of our freedom. But our life has been easy compared with those who have children with serious chronic illnesses or handicaps. It seems that sometimes God gives people seemingly impossible circumstances, but even they usually manage to survive. The bottom line is that we are sinful and our kids are sinful and a lot of work besides. Therefore, having more children means that the sin and the work are multiplied. Even the most extraordinary circumstances we can imagine, however, are nothing compared to the life of suffering Jesus endured on our behalf, and we ought to have the same attitude toward suffering that Jesus did. Paul writes, "Your attitude should be the same of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!" (Phil. 2:5-8) The reason so many of us "can't handle" our children is because we don't have a Christ-like attitude towards suffering. We want parenting - and the rest of our Christian walk for that matter - to be without suffering. We expect that the Christian life should be one long series of easy victories. Paul, however, understood that the Christian life wasn't supposed to be painless. He compared our life to that of a soldier or an Olympic athlete. Jesus painted a more painful picture when he told us to pick up our crosses daily and follow Him. Even so, Paul could write, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so somehow to attain the resurrection of the dead." (Phil. 3:10-11) The writer of Hebrews wrote, "Jesus, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Heb 12:2b-3) As parents, then, we should endure the hardships of parenting for the joys of sharing our faith and the Christian life with our children. We can handle having as many children as God gives us because parenting gives us a chance to humble ourselves and suffer for the sake of our offspring. In this way, we share in the sufferings of Christ, but these sufferings are nothing compared with the joy we will have before Christ when He comes in His glory. Nevertheless, there will still be times when it seems to us we can't handle another child. If God gives us another child anyway, we can be sure that He will give us all the strength we need to do the task. Isaiah says, "Do you not know? Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Is. 40:28-31) Perhaps in our own power, then, we cannot handle another child, but those who trust in the Lord will have a joy and a strength that will overcome the hardships.

3. I'm not going through that again (the painful process of giving birth) - Our discussion of suffering is relevant to this topic as well. The pain - as severe as it may be - is to be endured for the joy of giving birth. Jesus once said, "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets her anguish because of her joy that a child is come into the world." (John 16:21) This is a real test of a woman's attitude towards suffering. Can she endure the suffering of childbirth for the joy of giving her baby life? Didn't Christ suffer infinitely more so that we could have life? Yes, it is hard to convey to a man the pain involved in childbirth - Carol Burnett tried and compared it to taking my lower lip and wrapping it around my head - but that pain has been overcome by women since the days of Eve. Instead of focusing on the pain, the woman should be a willing vessel - as Mary was when she was chosen to give birth to Jesus. Mary said, "I am the Lord's handmaiden. May it be to me

as you have said." (Luke 1:38) What would we think of Mary today had she said, "But God, I can't do that because it will hurt too much."

4.We're not ready yet - There seems to be a belief - even among Christians - that a couple should wait a few years after they are married before having children. I can think of two ways in which a couple would feel unready to have a child. The first is financial. Waiting would give husband and wife a chance to save a bit of money before the children start coming. This is really the "I can't afford it" excuse in disguise. Thesecond reason is that the couple must "mature" a little before becoming parents. It seems to me, however, that putting off responsibility is the worst way to foster maturity. One of the reasons modern young people are so immature compared with the youth of centuries past is because we have moved back the age of personal responsibility ten years. A boy who would in times past have been apprenticing for a trade at age 12 is now getting ready for his first real job at 22. The result of this delay and coddling has not made for better parents. People who are old enough to be married are old enough to have children.

5. My wife/husband doesn't want another one - If the husband wants a child and the wife refuses, she is not acting in biblical submission to the husband's authority. If the husband says to his wife, "The Lord commanded us to be fruitful and multiply, the Lord made us one because he wanted godly offspring and children are always considered a blessing", the wife has no right to deny him. She is to be in submission to her husband. The Scriptures say, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands. … For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear." (1 Peter 3 1a, 5-6) What should be the case if it is the wife who wants more children and the husband does not? In this case the burden and the responsibility of birth control should fall on the man and not on the woman. The woman is to be subject to her husband, but not when obeying her husband would require her to disobey the Lord. If the husband wants to reject God's command to be fruitful for the purpose of producing godly offspring, the wife should not be complicit in his rebellion.

6. God has given me a choice and a brain - The argument goes something like this: "Modern medicine has given us the ability to determine if and when we will have children. God made me a rational being and I will use my human reason to effect the best possible outcome." The first problem with this is that modern medicine has given us means of birth control that may result in the death of the baby. The most obvious is surgical abortion, but the IUD and the pill may also induce the body to abort after conception by not allowing the fertilized egg to implant in the mother's womb. For information on this topic see http://www.backlife.org/birthcontrol/ and check out the article by Randy Alcorn. What disturbs me is that after being confronted with the truth about the pill, many Christian women choose to continue using the pill - even though the consequences may mean the death of babies inside their womb. The possibility of an "unplanned" baby is so frightening to many Christian women that they refuse to consider any evidence that would take away their ability to limit their family size. We know there have been over a million legal surgical abortions a year in our country since Roe v. Wade, but only God knows how many legal chemical abortions have happened since the introduction of the birth control pill. We may call using the pill "using our brain," but any method of birth control that risks the death of a child is wrong. If the baby actually dies it is murder. Of course, there are other methods of birth control that don't harm a baby after it is conceived - like the condom and "natural family planning."

What are we saying, though, when we limit the size of our families in this way? We may be saying that we refuse God's command to be fruitful and multiply and we scorn His desire for godly offspring. We may be saying that children aren't really a blessing - that they are more trouble than they are worth. We may be saying that we don't believe God will provide for us and our children, and we may be saying that our comfort and ease are more important to us than having and raising godly children. Yes, natural family planning is birth control and is contrary to the will of God. Paul said, "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer." (1 Cor. 7:5) Paul did not say: do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may avoid having unwanted children. In fact, natural family planning was what Onan, Judah's son, practiced in Genesis 38 when he refused to have children for his brother. The Scriptures say, "What he did was wicked in the LORD's sight; so the LORD put him to death also." (Gen. 38:10) So then, using our brains is all well and good, but we should use them to determine God's principles from His word and apply them to the issues of our lives.

Human reason must never be used to trump God's word or as a cover for disobedience How have we been affected by our decision? The decision to forgo birth control has defined me in the eyes of other people. I realize that my decision to follow Jesus Christ and to marry Cindy were the two most important decisions I ever made, but I am known to most as "the guy with ten kids." I can't begin to count the times I've been asked, "Are you Catholic?" "Are you Mormon?" "Have you figured out what causes that?" How often have we seen people visibly nudging each other as we walk by? How many times have I been asked, "Are these all yours - I mean yours and hers together?" I'm not really surprised at the reactions of other people. I think most of us react to people who are considered different. Let's face it, in a culture that considers three children a large family, we look strange. Sometimes I think it would be fun to turn the tables on those who find us so strange. I could stare at the family with two children as they walk by and say, "Are you secular humanists? Are these all you have, or are the rest at home? Do you have a medical situation?" It would be rude if I asked all these questions, but if two-child families experienced these kind of questions on a regular basis they would get used to having to explain the number of children they have as I must do now.

Children are time-consuming and expensive. The number of children we have has made me regret my days as a prodigal son, because we have struggled more financially than was necessary. I am convinced, however, that God used our financial struggles to mold us into the people He wanted us to become and to protect our children from some of the negative influences that turn many children away from the Lord. So what is it like having ten kids? I hear "Daddy's home" whenever I walk in the front door. People are always hugging me and jumping on my back. Somebody always wants to play with me or talk with me about something. We usually have twelve people at our dinner table and there is almost always some noise in our house. We drive an old rusted 15-passenger van and the average bedroom in our house has three occupants. More important is that God has filled my life with purpose by giving me ten children that need my help to become the zealous, spiritual, loving people of faith He wants them to become. My relationship with Cindy has grown deeper and stronger as we have struggled together to overcome the challenges of managing a large household. My life has been filled with inexpressible joy over what God has done for me through this experience. I'm not saying God has called all of us to have large families. God has called some - like the Apostle Paul - to a life of singleness. God has called others - like Zechariah and Elizabeth - to many years of childlessness. What I am saying is that married couples should let God determine for them how many children they will have. We need to appreciate God's purpose for marriage and His desire for godly offspring. We need to believe that children are always a blessing and that God has promised to provide for the children He gives us. Finally, we need to set aside our desire for personal comfort and our aversion to hard work and suffering, and make it our goal to sacrifice our lives to teach God's word and way to as many children as God sees fit to bless us with. God gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him.